Tik tok tik tok.
Almost a year passes, and I've never thought some things would change within a year.
Earlier this year, or may I say, right in the few minutes before new year, I did expect how 2015 would end up. Or how terribly I would fck it up. And how would I make plans on it.
I was never one of those people who wished for "2015 pls be nice to me" and such. And that was because, I simply 'knew' what I was about to face.
I am not going to tell you everything in detail but if I was ever asked to describe "2015", it was a hell of a year teaching me lessons on 'adulthood'. I notice myself is progressing to be a so-called 'mature' person.
I never wanted to be a mature person. I never seek to be one. But, mistakes and circumstances, and people gave me no choice.
I always found myself trapped in a situation where I constantly think I belong to nowhere. And I hate to say that I still do.
I'm afraid of achievable things that I would never be able to achieve. I'm afraid of my weaknesses and how it would affect my future. Now stop saying that I'm thinking too much because at this point of my life, I AM RESPONSIBLE TO MAKE SURE I'M LIVING MOST OF MY LIFE- QUITE PERFECTLY ACCORDING TO MY LIFE PLAN.
LIFE PLAN ? Well it sounds like a 'safety' plan on how to not fck up your life, Masturah.
I'm pretty sure 97% of my life problems are those things which did not turn out to be as I expected. The other 3% might just as well from my innocent life mistakes.
In a race to becoming the best out of the best, I would always be a loser. Haha though it feels like I'm demotivating myself, well I always back it up with something less negative.
The only person I have to be better than is always gonna be the person who I was yesterday.
Well at least, I feel better about myself kan.
It is not the past that we look forward to, after all.
I'm glad that some things have gone for good. I thank myself for being such a brave person, and my Lord for granting me such courage to overcome everything.
To all people I've crossed paths with, I hope that we'll be forgiven for everything we've done and may we live a life full of His blessings.
p/s: I wish for better opportunities in 2016. Ameen.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Do you ever have this "you are never good enough for anybody" in your mind?
I don't know about you but no. I don't really think that I'm never good enough for anybody.
I don't live to please anybody, as far as I am concerned.
But I have always been thinking that I am never good enough for myself.
I consistently have conflicts within myself, since I've learned what 'knowing yourself' is.
It's a good thing though, not having conflicts between humans. I like it when my favourite people don't really put me under pressure in this "reaching people's expectation" kind of .... expectations.
I like it when my parents don't put high expectations towards their children, because they know where exactly we stand.
I like it when my favourite people set low expectations. but we somehow managed to go beyond.
I like it when I am surrounded by my favourite people.
But sometimes, they do set high expectations. I have one from my mom. I don't take it seriously because it is way too high for me to accomplish. I don't know where in my pessimistic world my mom sees a potential in me for me to reach her expectation.
But .. I always expect myself to reach my own expectations towards myself. There were times I was broken.
And there were times I did expect from others to reach my own expectations. All I got was .... disappointment, within myself. And yes I was a broken soul. Thought that they could fix me but .... yeah you know how it went on.
Liar. Liar masturah, you're a liar.
Your first 2-3 lines of this entry does not reflect your chaotic world right now.
Your 'self expectation' is to be' the best out of yourself.' Be the best for your self-satisfaction.
In order for you to accomplish that, you must do the best in every aspect in your life, in which proving to people that you are the best is one of them.
So, you're expecting yourself to fulfill people's expectations towards you because that's how you show em' that you're the best.
Shit. I know I'm .... kinda f*cked up with myself.
So, which one is the worst ?
1) Your inability to achieve people's expectation towards you or;
2) People's inability to achieve your expectation towards them.
I would consider 1) as the worst because it implies that you live to please everybody if you are obliged to fulfill their expectation.
But it comes to my realisation that 2) would make your life sucks as well. You kinda give permission for people to hurt you as they take you for granted. They don't give a damn about your expectation towards them.
You need to place yourself in two above situations;
1) You as a person who is expected by someone/the society to do ... some sort of any shit
2) You as a person who expects someone/the society to do ... some sort of the same shit
So whenever you feel so bad in your 1) situation ie. you don't achieve their expectation:
First, are you really being put into this situation where people do expect you to fulfill the obligations ?
Take it easy. If you tried hard enough to fulfill the obligations or you have shown some efforts, there is nothing to be sad of. Nobody's perfect anyways.
If you don't feel that you are not in your real position to do so, you won't give a damn about failing to fulfill people's expectation. If you do, you're just wasting your time feeling worried over something you shouldn't have been worried about. Time is money. Find something else that's worth your time to be worried about, like .. food.
Things are no difference if you're in 2) situation.
Are they really in their position to fulfill the obligations? Or it is just you who think they should have done that simply because you wanted them to. If this is the case (the latter one), you are the one who hurting yourself. Or you're just stupid for asking people to do what you want. (unless you're Bruce Wayne or Kim Kardashian)
If and only if they are really in their position to achieve your expectation ie. they are obliged to fulfill your expectation, then you have the right to build expectations because it somehow gives them a guideline on what they should have done. If this happens, I mean they don't fulfill your expectation, you do have the right to feel disappointed but don't let the disappointment outweighs your power to make things right, again. It's not your fault. It's not their fault either because they tried their best at least (if they did). It's just, sometimes things just don't work. They are not meant to be as you expected.
I think this 'expectation' kind of thing is applicable to every aspect in our lives.
Managing 'life' isn't something that we are taught in school. Even managing my own finance or perhaps a company's finance is a lot more easier than this. (because I have a lesson for financial management in business school duhh)
I think maybe we should make a list of our responsibilities. And from there, you know what to expect for, and what to be expected from. It is more manageable. hopefully, our lives would be less complicated than it was before.
p/s: I don't expect you to read this, after all.
another life has been lived to the fullest by masturah at 8:54 AM
Monday, August 25, 2014
Lalala today was a lovely day out ! My friends and I went to Birm City Centre for sightseeing and some shopping mihihi. There are lots of buildings and places to explore in birm but no worries, I've got a lot of time to do so !
p/s: get ready for the classes to start !
This is where I belong for a couple of weeks. My friends and I will get to move in our house in mid Sept
The bus stop
the national express west midlands service is undoubtedly systematic.
The Perry Barr Stadium
walked around ~
there were so many people in the city but there were more a day before !
needless alley .... diagon alley ?
what chambers again ? no, not the secret chamber
and there was me. *and a couple there
This is Queen Victoria Statue.
All hail Queen (1837-1901)
si tinggi dan si tinggi
I almost read "Hogwarts"
familiar with this ?
on our way to the largest public library in Europe
Library of Birmingham
acah acah ja tu
view from the 7th floor of the library
had our very first lunch in the city
nahh my mom asked me to bring home the catalogues goshh
p/s: get ready for the classes to start !
another life has been lived to the fullest by masturah at 10:14 PM