Monday, May 16, 2016

Life's checkpoint

I don't know if there is anybody out there who still follows my life's updates aka blog entries.
Well I hope there is nobody cuz' if I've got any, that would be creepy af.

I took a break from reviewing my P5 question practices that I've done to review or kind of, reminisce, all sort of stuff that I've shared on this blog since my teenage years.

Well this was all because, wholly because, early this morning, I listened to Bruno Mars' songs, one of them being Nothin' on You. I hate to say this but... Bruno Mars did once leave a hugeeee impact in my life. (I'm referring to my teenage life)

I was too young. Too dumb. And I didn't blame myself for being such a naive girl.
Hahahaha oh wait I did, this morning hahahaha I was thinking what if I bla bla bla then I wouldn't be bla bla bla and I would have bla bla bla

Stahp it Masturah. Life goes on.

I went through, reading some of my previous entries and then somehow I was struck by the 'different levels of life I've been going through' and how amazing it was/is to be able to realise that you kind of 'made it' to be what you have been dreaming for. Or even for the things you never expected for it to become reality.

I don't know man. This time, I feel things are getting harder and more difficult to cope with.
For most of the time, I keep on blaming myself, for being myself.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be Masturah and to listen to all those 'voices' saying that you can do everything you want- in your head? (these voices are 'healthy voices' so don't go saying that I'm not mentally healthy)

It is tiring to be Masturah. One second, the voice says something positive and very encouraging then the next few seconds, the voice tells you to stop doing everything you want and be more realistic.

And, occasionally, these voices will keep giving me ideas and life's suggestions which I don't even need AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT.

For example; Revision time.
Voice 1: Hmm what a thing to spend your time with. If only you are a genius, you don't have to revise or study.
Voice 2: Come on, she's trying to study and pass her exam. You know what, if you feel tired, you can go to sleep for a couple of hours then start your revision again.
Voice 3: You know what. Maybe she needs a lil motivation. Ok let's give her something to think about while studying so she can focus more.
Voice 2: How about planning her future life?
Voice 1: Planning is not enough. She has to do her research. And let her revision study goes to waste for this 'planning' stuff.
Voice 3: You guys are right. Now, let's give her some *ideas*

And that's how I wasted my revision time on 'life planning' or other 'brilliant ideas' on making myself a millionaire or a famous person or on how can I rule the world.

Sometimes, I blame myself for everything that has happened.

My life has been out of 'control' lately and it seems to be very 'pathetic' for me, at times.
I took the risks, and most of the risks did not produce good results in return.

Or may I say, I am now a 'broken' person, for the fact that I am now choosing to live out of my comfort zones and I made a hell of a lot of mistakes that I never expected to make.
Everything you see and know about me as a person now is no longer the same as the person you used to know.

I don't go around and ask people to fix me. (even if I do hope a person comes by and sings to me Coldplay's Fix You somehow)

A broken person is meant to be 'unfixed'. This is what he/she chooses, and if anything happens, it will lead to where they would be in the future.

I came across Forbes' Quote of The Day on its website (the reason why I got there was it was for 'research' purposes) which I found it to be very useful for all of us. It sounds like this,

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”

- I can't find the first person who said it on the internet

So, to conclude today's entry on 'Life's Checkpoint':

1. What makes me a 'broken person' will definitely make me wiser cuz' the more mistakes I make, the more I get to learn from it.
2. You don't know how strong you are when the only option you have is to be strong.
3. Be strong be strong be strong be strong be strong for the fact that life will always punch you and kick you in the ass. 
4. Most people don't even care about your life so IT IS YOUR LIFE THAT YOU NEED TO BE WORRIED ABOUT. NOT ANYONE'S. Remember my previous entry on "I don't give a damn" ? Flip your hair/hijab and do what you need to do with your life.
5. Be hopeful. Idk, this may sound so 'naive' but put your trust in God, and pray for the best. He is the only One who grants you anything you want. Not your 'efforts'. 

Till then, we may see again perhaps after I finish the exam? :D

p/s: semoga Masturah dan rakan rakan ACCA lulus semua paper yg diambil pada sesi June ini amin.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Pergi Mampus? More like... I don't give a shit.

Hi and hi.
I should be studying right now, instead of writing this blog entry.

But sometimes I can't deny the fact that I do love writing because, it is the perfect medium for me to express all sort of things that I've been thinking to tell to someone, or some people.

So hari ni, today, imma talk about the beauty of "I don't give a shit" concept in our daily life, ie. "Ignorance is a bliss" (in a well-mannered expression)

Earlier today, a friend of mine was in anger, complaining about some of her friends' attitudes. I'm pretty sure she was angry, rather than feeling sad. And, surprisingly, she just got to know how useful it is for someone not to give a damn to bullshits happenin' around them.

I would like to express my gratitude to anybody who invented this and ultimately became one of the greatest life hacks. This concept would have saved one's life should he/she wanted to commit suicide, I dare say. Why?

Here is what I have to say (more like, a testimony from a real person)

The beauty of this concept to my daily life has got to be:

1) I'm happier than ever.
I don't know about you but the lesser you think about what other people may say/think about you, the more you will be happy with yourselves. I used to be so insecure about myself. I mean, when I was in high school, all I cared about was people's judgement. And I was so unhappy with myself back then. It felt like as if I was 'punishing' myself. I wasn't really happy with my accomplishments when I was a teenager. And I wasn't really accepting of my own flaws. If you keep thinking about what people may react to your attitude which they may feel unhappy with, you are going to have a bad time. The first step to stop thinking about them is, you should not be afraid of LOSING SOMETHING WORTHLESS.

2) I don't fcking care about people who mean nothing to me.
Thanks to high school experiences, I am now a more careful person. Thanks to people who backstabbing me. I don't really need a 'best man' or bestfriend to help me living this life to the fullest. If you mean nothing to me then you may choose to walk away from my life and I won't give a damn about how things would be different from that point. I'm sorry if I sound like a selfish person but, yeah I don't really care if you mean nothing to me. So good luck to those people who want to be part of my life. (well if they wanted to)

3) Life seems to be worth more than ever.
It is. Wow, unsurprisingly. But how... ? Knowing that there is more to think about, you'll know life has so much to offer when you open up your mind to .. more chances to meet new people, to try new things.

There you go. All you need to deal with immature people is ... nothing. Take a deep breath, say it quietly, so quiet that only God can hear you...

I don't give a shit.

p/s: I care about myself and now I do give a damn to whatever happens to myself.

Thursday, December 31, 2015

We have come this far, 2015

Tik tok tik tok.
Almost a year passes, and I've never thought some things would change within a year.

Earlier this year, or may I say, right in the few minutes before new year, I did expect how 2015 would end up. Or how terribly I would fck it up. And how would I make plans on it.
I was never one of those people who wished for "2015 pls be nice to me" and such. And that was because, I simply 'knew' what I was about to face.

I am not going to tell you everything in detail but if I was ever asked to describe "2015", it was a hell of a year teaching me lessons on 'adulthood'. I notice myself is progressing to be a so-called 'mature' person.

I never wanted to be a mature person. I never seek to be one. But, mistakes and circumstances, and people gave me no choice.

I always found myself trapped in a situation where I constantly think I belong to nowhere. And I hate to say that I still do.

I'm afraid of achievable things that I would never be able to achieve. I'm afraid of my weaknesses and how it would affect my future. Now stop saying that I'm thinking too much because at this point of my life, I AM RESPONSIBLE TO MAKE SURE I'M LIVING MOST OF MY LIFE- QUITE PERFECTLY ACCORDING TO MY LIFE PLAN.

LIFE PLAN ? Well it sounds like a 'safety' plan on how to not fck up your life, Masturah.

I'm pretty sure 97% of my life problems are those things which did not turn out to be as I expected. The other 3% might just as well from my innocent life mistakes.

In a race to becoming the best out of the best, I would always be a loser. Haha though it feels like I'm demotivating myself, well I always back it up with something less negative.

The only person I have to be better than is always gonna be the person who I was yesterday.
Well at least, I feel better about myself kan.

It is not the past that we look forward to, after all.
I'm glad that some things have gone for good. I thank myself for being such a brave person, and my Lord for granting me such courage to overcome everything.

To all people I've crossed paths with, I hope that we'll be forgiven for everything we've done and may we live a life full of His blessings.

p/s: I wish for better opportunities in 2016. Ameen.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

*insert your expectation*

Hi yeah

Do you ever have this "you are never good enough for anybody" in your mind?

I don't know about you but no. I don't really think that I'm never good enough for anybody.

I don't live to please anybody, as far as I am concerned.

But I have always been thinking that I am never good enough for myself.

I consistently have conflicts within myself, since I've learned what 'knowing yourself' is.

It's a good thing though, not having conflicts between humans. I like it when my favourite people don't really put me under pressure in this "reaching people's expectation" kind of .... expectations.
I like it when my parents don't put high expectations towards their children, because they know where exactly we stand.
I like it when my favourite people set low expectations. but we somehow managed to go beyond.
I like it when I am surrounded by my favourite people.

But sometimes, they do set high expectations. I have one from my mom. I don't take it seriously because it is way too high for me to accomplish. I don't know where in my pessimistic world my mom sees a potential in me for me to reach her expectation.

But .. I always expect myself to reach my own expectations towards myself. There were times I was broken.

And there were times I did expect from others to reach my own expectations. All I got was .... disappointment, within myself. And yes I was a broken soul. Thought that they could fix me but .... yeah you know how it went on.

Liar. Liar masturah, you're a liar.

Your first 2-3 lines of this entry does not reflect your chaotic world right now.

Your 'self expectation' is to be' the best out of yourself.' Be the best for your self-satisfaction.

In order for you to accomplish that, you must do the best in every aspect in your life, in which proving to people that you are the best is one of them.

So, you're expecting yourself to fulfill people's expectations towards you because that's how you show em' that you're the best.

Shit. I know I'm .... kinda f*cked up with myself.

So, which one is the worst ?

1) Your inability to achieve people's expectation towards you or;

2) People's inability to achieve your expectation towards them.

I would consider 1) as the worst because it implies that you live to please everybody if you are obliged to fulfill their expectation.
But it comes to my realisation that 2) would make your life sucks as well. You kinda give permission for people to hurt you as they take you for granted. They don't give a damn about your expectation towards them.

You need to place yourself in two above situations;
1) You as a person who is expected by someone/the society to do ... some sort of any shit
2) You as a person who expects someone/the society to do ... some sort of the same shit

So whenever you feel so bad in your 1) situation ie. you don't achieve their expectation:
First, are you really being put into this situation where people do expect you to fulfill the obligations ?
Take it easy. If you tried hard enough to fulfill the obligations or you have shown some efforts, there is nothing to be sad of. Nobody's perfect anyways.
If you don't feel that you are not in your real position to do so, you won't give a damn about failing to fulfill people's expectation. If you do, you're just wasting your time feeling worried over something you shouldn't have been worried about. Time is money. Find something else that's worth your time to be worried about, like .. food.

Things are no difference if you're in 2) situation.
Are they really in their position to fulfill the obligations? Or it is just you who think they should have done that simply because you wanted them to. If this is the case (the latter one), you are the one who hurting yourself. Or you're just stupid for asking people to do what you want. (unless you're Bruce Wayne or Kim Kardashian)
If and only if they are really in their position to achieve your expectation ie. they are obliged to fulfill your expectation, then you have the right to build expectations because it somehow gives them a guideline on what they should have done. If this happens, I mean they don't fulfill your expectation, you do have the right to feel disappointed but don't let the disappointment outweighs your power to make things right, again. It's not your fault. It's not their fault either because they tried their best at least (if they did). It's just, sometimes things just don't work. They are not meant to be as you expected.

I think this 'expectation' kind of thing is applicable to every aspect in our lives.
Managing 'life' isn't something that we are taught in school. Even managing my own finance or perhaps a company's finance is a lot more easier than this. (because I have a lesson for financial management in business school duhh)

I think maybe we should make a list of our responsibilities. And from there, you know what to expect for, and what to be expected from. It is more manageable. hopefully, our lives would be less complicated than it was before.

p/s: I don't expect you to read this, after all.

Monday, August 25, 2014

A Day Out !

Lalala today was a lovely day out ! My friends and I went to Birm City Centre for sightseeing and some shopping mihihi. There are lots of buildings and places to explore in birm but no worries, I've got a lot of time to do so !

Wellhead Lane

This is where I belong for a couple of weeks. My friends and I will get to move in our house in mid Sept

The bus stop

the national express west midlands service is undoubtedly systematic.

The Perry Barr Stadium

walked around ~

there were so many people in the city but there were more a day before !

tralalala ~

needless alley .... diagon alley ? 

what chambers again ? no, not the secret chamber

Council House

and there was me. *and a couple there

This is Queen Victoria Statue. 

All hail Queen (1837-1901)

si tinggi dan si tinggi

I almost read "Hogwarts" 

familiar with this ? 

on our way to the largest public library in Europe

Library of Birmingham

acah acah ja tu

view from the 7th floor of the library

had our very first lunch in the city

nahh my mom asked me to bring home the catalogues goshh

p/s: get ready for the classes to start !